Relationships – my way or the highway

Wherever we go we meet people and build relationships, whether we talk about work, friendly or romantic relationships. We touch each others lives and in turn we let them touch ours, however what values we cherish or what kind of previous experiences we had among other factors make us view the world around us differently. In all types of relationships there can be good times and bad times, but how we handle them makes all the difference.

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“In a conflict, each side sees itself as good and justified and the enemy as evil.” – wrote PsychologyToday. According to this I think the real question is not if we are right or wrong, the question is whether it is the right thing for us and the people around us to do. As an additional benefit, if I can be wrong, then I can learn from my mistakes or misunderstandings, in effect it will make my thinking more flexible and I will become more resilient and confident.

We live in separate worlds, and that is true, because we all see the world differently. We all create our own world according to our own values and beliefs, in light of how events affect us and how we affect them. So what I see as reality is not the same as what you see because it is distorted by our own built-in filters.

If we think about this then if there is an argument then it can easily happen that I am right, because according to my own world views, beliefs and motivation, I am right, my brain will find the way to be right anyway. But my partner perceives the exact same situation through different filters and in his world, he is right, too. Now what?

During the last 10 years I have attended many courses and trainings and learned from a wide variety of sources. Last year, I participated in Seminar Consulting’s training (Hungarian) for executives and managers. There I heard about the A-R-K triangle. It is said that no matter which corner of the triangle we increase, the whole triangle begins to grow and vica versa. As we increase the triangle, so does our understanding of the other person and the world.

If we think about this then if there is an argument then it can easily happen that I am right, because according to my own world and views, I am right. But my partner sees the exact same situation through different filters and in his world, he is right, too. Now what? From this point on the question is not whether I am right or wrong, but what is the right thing to do. How can I get closer to his views, to his world?

Ever since I can remember I participated in many courses and learned a lot. Once I heard about the concept of A-R-C triangle from Scientology(I learnt a lot about teaching and even statistics from them, and I am very grateful for that). They say, no matter which corner of the triangle we increase, the whole triangle will grow with it, so our understanding of situations, people, structures and so on will grow simultaneously(???):

  • C = communication: strive for more conversations based on open, unbiased and attentive listening, so I can better understand the other and through this the way of thinking and the reality the other lives in.
  • R = reality: the more we know and see about reality, for example through learning and cognition, the wider our world view gets, so we can communicate more effectively and boldly, and the closer our reality gets to the other’s. Also we become more flexible.
  • A = affinity: the more affinity we feel, the more we communicate and the better we will know the other.

The real question is how well we can maintain an accepting or balanced relationship, or relationships since these qualities are not exclusive to romantic relationships.

If you need help in your relationship or because of the lack of it, then don’t hesitate to contact me.

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